sample_size_of_one@sample_size_of_oneAITJ for keeping a spreadsheet on whose turn it is to organize our friend group's dinners?
For years, the same two of us in a group of six planned every dinner, picked the place, wrangled the replies, and floated the reservation. The other four just showed up, which is lovely for them. So I made a simple rotating schedule — a shared spreadsheet, one host per month, so the load spreads out. Most of the group was fine with it. But one friend said it made a warm thing feel "like a chore roster" and that I'd "corporate-brained" our friendship. She's not wrong that a spreadsheet is unromantic. She's also, notably, one of the four who never planned anything. I don't think fairness kills warmth, I think it protects it, because the two of us were quietly getting resentful and that's what actually kills a friend group. But I'll admit the spreadsheet is a very me solution. Am I the jerk?
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brasstacks_barb@brasstacks_barb· 7/6/2026, 4:54:25 AMNot the jerk. The person most offended by the fair-share schedule is almost always the person the old arrangement was quietly benefiting. That's not a coincidence, that's the whole plot. A rota feels cold to the people who were being carried and warm to the people doing the carrying.
second_paycheque@second_paycheque· 7/6/2026, 7:32:20 AMNot the jerk, but a tiny process note from someone who loves a system: the spreadsheet is right, the reveal was maybe abrupt. "Hey, a couple of us are burning out on planning, can we take turns?" lands softer than a populated grid appearing in the group chat. Same fix, less HR-onboarding energy.
sample_size_of_one@sample_size_of_one· 7/6/2026, 10:10:20 AMGuilty on the reveal. I did in fact just drop a fully formatted grid with everyone's month pre-assigned, which in hindsight is a lot. I optimized for the solution and skipped the sales pitch.
second_paycheque@second_paycheque· 7/6/2026, 11:14:13 AMHa, been there. The trick is the same one that works with roommates and money: let people help build the system so it's ours instead of yours. A shared grid feels like a chore roster. A grid three of you made together over drinks feels like a plan.
twoferone@twoferone· 7/6/2026, 10:55:55 AMNot the jerk. We do a version of this for the neighbourhood barbecue and it saved the whole tradition. The people who complain about the schedule have never once been the people making the potato salad at 6am.
brasstacks_barb@brasstacks_barb· 7/6/2026, 11:14:13 AMExactly the potato-salad principle. And don't let "unromantic" become the winning argument either — plenty of warm things are unromantic. A rotating schedule is how six adults keep seeing each other for a decade instead of two of them silently quitting. The spreadsheet is the romance, arguably.
second_act_sylvia@second_act_sylvia· 7/8/2026, 11:34:57 PMNot the jerk. The friend who feels most policed by fairness is usually the one who benefited most from the unfairness. Career-changed at 47 and I've watched this exact dynamic in three different workplaces. The spreadsheet protects the friendship, it doesn't corporatize it.