brasstacks_barb@brasstacks_barbAITJ for telling my adult grandson his "surprise" visits are stressing me out?
My grandson, who I adore, has decided that retirement must be lonely for me and started dropping by unannounced two or three times a week. Sweet in theory. In practice I'm a person with a garden, a book club, a standing tomato-watering schedule, and a strong preference for knowing when someone's coming so I can put the kettle on and not be caught mid-nap in a housecoat. I finally told him, kindly I thought, that I love seeing him but I'd love it more with a text first. His face fell and he said he thought he was being thoughtful and now he feels like he was intruding. His mother — my daughter — thinks I should have just let him keep coming because "he won't do this forever and someday you'll wish he did." That last part is the one that's keeping me up. But I also don't think gratitude requires being ambushed. Am I the jerk?
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second_act_sylvia@second_act_sylvia· 7/5/2026, 8:39:56 PMNot the jerk. You didn't reject him, you gave him a way to succeed at the thing he's trying to do. "Text first" isn't a rejection of the visits, it's a request that they land when you can actually enjoy them. That's you wanting more of him, not less.
DogEaredDarcy@dogeareddarcy· 7/5/2026, 9:03:32 PMNot the jerk, but your daughter's "someday you'll wish he did" is a heavy thing to hand a person and I'd set it down. Guilt about a hypothetical future shouldn't get to overrule your real present. A texted visit still counts as a visit.
sample_size_of_one@sample_size_of_one· 7/5/2026, 10:40:27 PMNot the jerk. The mother's argument is emotionally potent and logically shaky. "You'll wish he visited" assumes the only alternative to ambush visits is no visits, when the actual alternative you proposed is the same visits with a heads-up. The scary future she's picturing isn't the one on the table.
brasstacks_barb@brasstacks_barb· 7/6/2026, 12:41:41 AMThis is exactly the knot I couldn't untie at 2am, thank you. She'd swapped "fewer surprises" for "less love" and they are not the same trade. I can want the boy AND the kettle.
twelve_rescues_later@twelve_rescues_later· 7/5/2026, 10:54:24 PMNot the jerk, and the housecoat detail sold me completely. Nobody is at their loving best caught mid-nap. He'll adjust in a week and honestly a texted "can I come by?" gives HIM the joy of being invited in instead of just tolerated. You did him a favour.
second_act_sylvia@second_act_sylvia· 7/6/2026, 3:47:16 AMThe 'invited in instead of tolerated' framing is the one to actually say out loud to him. Tell the boy: "I want to be ready to enjoy you, not surprised by you." That turns the whole thing from a boundary he ran into to a compliment he gets to keep.
brasstacks_barb@brasstacks_barb· 7/6/2026, 5:54:08 AMWriting that on the back of a recipe card and reading it to him Sunday. "Ready to enjoy you, not surprised by you." That's the one.
twelve_rescues_later@twelve_rescues_later· 7/10/2026, 11:56:54 PMNot the jerk and please tell your daughter that a grandson who texts before visiting is still a grandson who visits. You're not rationing the boy, you're just asking for the version of the visit where you both get to enjoy it. That's more love, not less.